Cancer

Life is too short and Life is precious. I'm actually quite disappointed in myself. I've been acting cowardly and lazy about finishing my Masters degree. It has been dragging on for four years (4 years and 2 children). I really hate academic writing and I've been doubting my abilities to write a proper research paper. I need to finish because it's getting expensive. This session is the last session.

Last week I went to see my advisor. We usually communicate via email or I just drop off copies in his mailbox at the university. When I arrived at his house, I was surprised to see him bald. It hit me that he was suffering from a severe illness. I hadn't known until that moment. My heart broke because his wife just gave birth to another beautiful daughter 2 months ago, who is a spitting image of him. I didn't want to be like those people who don't talk about the pink elephant in the room. I asked him what was going on and he was very matter of fact about it. My advisor is battling leukemia. The cancer has returned and he's trying to fight it again. Hearing that gave me a kick in the butt about my life and how I've been wasting certain areas of it. I know and everyone knows that life is precious and short but yet, we never seem to fulfill our dreams/goals. Fear holds us back, sometimes complacency and laziness, even selfishness. Guilty as charged.

I would gripe and whine to my advisor about how I can't finish this paper, I hate this paper, I don't know even know if it makes sense. What the heck is my thesis and blah blah blah. He would always encourage me and tell me to push on. I'm complaining about something that is of small significance in comparison to my real values and my advisor is fighting for his life. He must chuckle or roll his eyes at people like me.

So, I just want to say to my advisor thank you for every criticism and encouragement you've given me. You are the toughest advisor out there, a sock-it-to-'em-cuz-they-need-it kind of person. I thought you were stone cold but there is a warmth and generosity that has always been there and even you get tired. You never baby anyone and you never make excuses. I know you will beat this cancer and I will be praying for you night and day (no cliché).

Ups and Downs

I've been going through some weird emotional feelings lately. I've been a bit discouraged about my weight gain during pregnancy. I really let it get out of hand. It just makes me feel like a weak person. I know it will take time for me to take it off but I get impatient sometimes. My hubs is very supportive and hasn't said or done anything to make me feel bad. I just seem to be juggling a lot of things and not getting a good grasp on any one of them. I am so fed up with my Masters program and after 4 years and 2 babies, I'm still not done. Ernesto is going through his temper tantrums and I don't know what to do sometimes. A part of me just wants to escape to a tropical island and live on coconuts and pineapple. I feel such a sense of imbalance and I'm trying to find ways to re-establish and to reconnect my life. I would love to take an ashtanga yoga class. I do have DVDs but I prefer the classroom setting with the music and the instructor making sure my body is positioned correctly.

I haven't prayed in days and I also feel a disconnect spiritually. Last night my hubs noticed that and we read a Biblical scripture. It was from the book of Psalms about trusting in the Lord. We prayed afterwards and I led the prayer. It felt wonderful talking to God. That's how I see prayer...like a conversation. I just poured my heart out and I guess I carried on for a long time because my hubs was dozing off. *smile* I really need God's guidance to keep me moving and centered. I need to breathe, pray, move, eat raw and sleep. I need to organize my time to allow myself to enjoy my family and not be frustrated with them when in actuality I'm frustrated with myself.

Peace.